Top 10: Movies We Want To See In 3-D

No.10 - Transformers
Dear Mr. Terminator: Not that we’re big fans of Michael Bay’s loud and bombastic box office smash, but if we’re going to sit through a movie about CGI Mattel toys laying the smackdown on each other, we might as well see it in 3-D. With Autobots pouncing and Jetscream screeching all over the damn place, Bay’s sun-blasted mechanical spectacle is the kind of movie that’s just aching to break past the screen barrier. Besides, maybe with the third dimension we’ll have some sense of spatial coherence, finally figuring out where all the bots keep disappearing to in the action finale.


No.9 - Saw (any of them)
We apologize for having demented taste Mr. Cameron, but this is the era of torture porn and our appetite for watching humans get gutted alive begs for more dimension. Picture watching that fat man’s intestines spilling directly in front of you when he crawls through the barbed wire or reliving that moment when Cary Elwes’ Dr. Gordon saws off his own limbs. You should appreciate this, Mr. Cameron. You made Arnie do the same thing with his eyeball in Terminator.


No.8 - Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
We’re all guys Jim, and we have needs, and what we need is to see Russ Meyer’s sexploitation milestone in 3-D. Imagine these busty killer hotties -- who happen to be into nudism, bondage and drag racing -- virtually surrounding you. Also, wouldn’t it be totally radical to see if your new technology can make former stripper Turu Santana’s cup size get bigger?


No.7 - Kill Bill
James Cameron, please meet Quentin Tarantino. You guys are worlds apart -- your screenplays stink and his are award-winning -- but with Kill Bill, Tarantino has made an action extravaganza that stands up there with your best work. Lend the man your nifty gadgets so we could relish in all the tongue-in-cheek gore he throws at us. Limbs flying, blood spraying and deadly warriors hacking each other to bits would be so cool when they bounce off the screen. Plus, aren’t you curious to hear Tarantino’s hilarious dialogue coming at you from characters standing right beside you?


No.6 - Saving Private Ryan
It’s time to be serious Mr. Titanic, like World War II serious. We’ve yet to see you and Steven Spielberg collaborate, even though you’re both Oscar winners with an appetite for throwing money at historical epics. And only Spielberg can match your talents at orchestrating large-scale bloody mayhem so deftly. Saving Private Ryan’s deadly realistic depiction of the D-Day invasion could seriously benefit from a 3-D facelift. That grisly scene with the bullets whirring by to take out a soldier’s appendage is likely the most accurate depiction of the horrors of war ever committed to film, and the third dimension would just bring us that much closer to the moment.


No.5 - Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Yes James, we understand that you gave up on the Terminator series before it went down the toilet bowl. However, this has got to be your best action movie ever and we want to see it in 3-D. Watch the guns get bigger, Schwarzenegger get buffer and the spectacle of countless shootouts and metal-banging highway chases get rougher. And when the T-1000 unleashes his liquid metal limbs on unsuspecting victims, we want to see those sharp edges graze our irises. Besides, didn’t they make a T2:3-D theme park ride at Universal Studios? Half the work is done for you already.


No.4 - The Matrix
Listen Jim: It’s true that The Matrix rehashes a Star Wars plot with Terminator action, but give the movie some credit for making philosophy so kick-ass explosive. The Wachowski brothers developed some groundbreaking special effects for The Matrix, with that “bullet time” camera rig that did 360 degree spins around a single piece of action. Combine “bullet time” with your 3-D toys and you can enjoy some crazy, bullet-dodging kung fu theatrics at the tip of your nose. It’s like a match made in virtual heaven.


No.3 - The Empire Strikes Back
Why deny the inevitable, sir? George Lucas never shies away from finding some excuse to milk his cash cow. Whether he gives his space Western a technological enhancement, creates new scenes, deletes those same scenes or makes a cartoon out of the same stories, he’s always more concerned with fanboys’ wallets than actually enhancing the Star Wars experience. 3-D is likely his next method. Please lend him a hand so that he doesn’t muck things up with The Empire Strikes Back, the hands-down best installment in the series. We’re anxious to see light sabers clash and the force throw sh*t at us in 3-D. However, we want to see it done right the first time so that we don’t have to spend our hard-earned dough on Star Wars: Director’s Cut 3-D, Star Wars: Ultimate Cut 3-D, Star Wars: Cartoon 3-D, Star Wars 2-D with 3-D before we finally get to Star Wars: The Original Cut 3-D.


No.2 - Days of Heaven
We know you’re not one for art flicks James, and a movie without an explosion, alien or cyborg in sight probably makes you cringe. However, many of us would love to see Terrence Malick’s magnum opus about a love triangle between turn-of-the-century ranch hands in a format that immerses us in this romance’s sweeping visuals. An aesthetic wet dream, Days of Heaven is lush with lyrical and serene pastoral images that are both brilliant and heart-stopping. You might just learn a thing or two about the beauty of natural photography that makes minimal use of a special effects department.


No.1 - 2001: A Space Odyssey
Stanley Kubrick’s science fiction classic must have had some influence on you, Mr. Cameron, and while we normally wouldn’t want you to tinker with a masterpiece, we’re curious about the results. With 2001, Kubrick utilized special effects that were way ahead of his time in the service of brilliant, eye-popping images. Imagine being completely absorbed into that moment where the satellites orbit like ballet dancers, which is a space spectacle like no other. Or imagine soaring through the stars in that trippy and sweeping visual montage of acid-laced colors. Or imagine that little baby, the “Star Child,” floating in space and beyond the screen. The effect can only be breathtaking, Mr. Cameron, and there’s no better way to usher in a new day of 3-D than by paying homage to the movie that made seeing beyond our dimension possible.